The Comedian PHD Blog

You may not know a lot about this phenomenon, but after you eat some meat, and drink some “water” (clear liquid, lite taste) with it, your body will say, “Dude, no more meat.  Really.  Done.”  This is referred to as being “full.”  It’s not very familiar to most Americans.  Do not fear it.  It is, in fact, a “natural” feeling, not to be confused with “stuffed,” which is the feeling of having continued to eat way past being full.  How is that possible, you say, to eat beyond when your body says, “Dude, no more?”

Great question.  Have a nine-second sit, I’ll explain.

You see, the way to continue on to “stuffed,” is to switch away from meat and fresh water, and begin shoving carbohydrates and flavored drinks into your pie-chamber.  It turns out, bread and pasta and Cokes and sugars and yeehaw do not ever make you feel full.  In fact, you can eat them until the walls of your stomach bloat up, and then you know, “Wow, I’m nearing a limit here.  Maybe only nine more mouth-shovels.”  This is what we know as stuffed, and it has nothing to do with full, because full comes from your brain recognizing there is enough food — meat! — in your stomach, but stuffed comes from your stomach stretching and begging you to stop.  And that only happens with these non-foods that we’ve turned into foods, which we call carbohydrates.

So, thanks for stopping by for today’s lesson in what full feels like.  And if you don’t like it, feel free to get stuffed.

It must SUCK to be a politician.  You are literally listened to 100% of the time, and everything you say sets off crazy-ass mind bombs in someone somewhere, and that crazy-ass mind-bombed someone somewhere now has the ability to fire off some idiotic email which the media can use to go off about how everyone is going nuts over what the politicians said, and wow, Jesus, look at that, a big flush of a tsunami flying back your way.

Watching Obama “announce” that he supported gay marriage was like watching someone admit that maybe, maybe, they had dabbled in homosexuality back in college, for five or six years.  It took him two minutes of back-peddling, hemming and hawing, avoiding the issue, and generally spreading manure to say, “Yeah, gay people should have the same rights across the board as everyone else.  It’s America.  Don’t be fucking idiots.  That’s the purpose of the country, fools.  Even people you don’t like get the same stuff you do.  Jesus.”

Imagine hundreds of journalists hanging around your work to see if they can catch you saying something fucked up.  What would it take for them to catch something, five minutes?  Half this country would get hanged for what they say before noon.

“My position on gay marriage has evolved.”  No, it hasn’t.  Unless your position has been living in the wild and competing for sex and food with other positions, positions don’t “evolve.”  Your decision to keep lying or to put up with political crotch-kicking has shifted.  Say it, dude.  Sayyyyyy it.  You got elected by people who don’t need the tip-toe.  Play to your base, fire them up, and quit worrying that the little old racist in Florida is going to vote you out because you treated her like an adult.  People will step up if you step up.

Probably.