The Comedian PHD Blog

Just got back from the Texas Dept of Public Safety, renewing the old driver’s license, meaning I’m five years into my redissolve back into Texas from California.  Whoo.  Hoo.

There was a line.  Not sure if you know what that is, but it’s a phenomenon that hovers inside all government buildings.  As soon as you step through any door a vacuum tube sprouts from the wall and shoots forty people out to stand in front of you.  It’s the only efficient part of government, the ability to always get more people in front of you than seems humanly possible.  Whoosh, whoa, where did all y’all come from?  And why is it that every single one of you has a transaction to accomplish that’s going to require four manuals and a visit from an official embassy representative?

It took about thirty minutes to get through the line, during which time I would occasionally low moo.   Not loudly, didn’t want to be obnoxious.  Sort of a low low, a soft bellow, just a “Mrrrrrr” now and then.  The boy forced to stand next to his mother seemed to enjoy it.  Others kept looking around for the cow that needed it’s license renewed.  Um, remooed?

And, I know it’s just me, because my consciousness has shifted as I lost weight, but, damn, people gotten big!  With a capital “ig.”  We don’t look like the same species anymore.  It’s like everyone got bee stung, and the swelling never went down.  It’s hard to not just shout out, “Okay, enough!  Seriously!  Let’s all agree, no more carbs, all right?  Can we just agree it’s time to kick off these government and corporate-issued fat suits once and for all?  Who’s with me?  Come on, just moo in agreement!”

The cover of Time magazine this month has a woman (well, a model, but kind of a woman) breastfeeding.  Well, not just breastfeeding, breastfeeding with a capital BF.  Super Jugging, as it were.

By which I mean she is standing, letting her three-year-old, a boy (of course, it would be too lesbian the other way), who is looking at the camera and standing on a chair — doing everything except giving a thumbs up — breastfeed.

Nice try, Time.  Trying to get us all wumped up about a natural human process.  I breastfed until I was 34.  Sometimes on Mothers Day I’ll still take a nip.  And, sure, it causes a little murmuring from the anti-nature people at Applebees, but it’s my Mom, and I want to make her feel special on her day.

Besides, I live in Austin, where breastfeeding in public is a law.  You have to do it.  If you try to breastfeed inside your home, hippies come and drag you into the street where we can all watch and applaud the natural way of natural nature.  Austin is currently building a huge set of breasts at the entrance of the city, our St. Louis arch, and children and old people alike will be able to bathe in the free milk of life 24/7.  Our new motto:  Austin Sucks.  In a Good Way,

Oh, Time, Time, Time, ye of so little imagination.  If you really wanted controversy, the Mom should have been breastfeeding from the boy.  While she looks at the camera.  Making a “Whattaya gonna do?” face.